YMonday, February 13, 2006
13 feb, 8.54pm
everyday's valentine's day
was listening to eminem's when im gone and its making me feel really sad. hmm.. it does remind me of me n dad though. dad's alwaz not around. Ok, fine. Same as haylie. Well, at least haylie's dad [eminem] loves his daughter alot and express it. I knw dad do nt love me as much. Becos im didnt turn out to be wat he wants me to be. A boy, a guitarist and doing engineering. fuck it. Im not a boy. GIVE IT UP DAD! IM A GIRL! I love drums more den classical guitar. yes, i do love music. but ive gt preference too! cant u fucking see im nt happy at home?! argh! Stop making me pretend lyk i am! i knw u can see my unhappiness dad! why force me still? i knw u hate the idea of me being a girl and loves designing. screw it! i can nv be a boy. stop treating me lyk im 1. I want you, dad, ard too. but its too late. I wanted u to watch me grow up as a girl. Ok fine, juz watch me grow up will do. Nw's really too late to turn back. Ive already grown up even though deep inside mommy's heart im still her lil girl. But i was and never will be ur's rite? Im suppose to be your lil boy. I tried to stay positive all this while. But.. for the past 18yrs. Ive waited for u to shower me with love, care and concern. U nv once did even though u claim u did. I can feel it dad. If u did shower me with love, care and concern, hw come i dun feel it? Simply becos u didnt. You alwaz beat me up lyk mad, lock me out of the hse and all. U say all these are for my own good. so not true. it leaves a scar behind. Why do u think ive been rebelling all these time? All juz becos i want ur fucking attention. I want ur time and attention. But wat do i gt instead? being beaten up den u'll avoid me for days. Well, at least i had a lil of u ard since this is the only way to gt ur attention. So, u find that all ur frenz are more impt den ur family. Think money can cover everything? sorry. it cant. I still have this deep scar inside of me. It can never heal.
fuck it. Dad wudden see this entry. he'll nv knw hw i feel. even if he knew, i doubt he'll do anything. I human too dad.
spoken.
